Dear Sleep Hiring Staff,
I would like to be considered for the entry level R.E.M. position posted in my psychology text book. I have heard great things about the rejuvenating work that your international company has done throughout the world. The reputation of your tireless efforts to reach all peoples indiscriminate of gender, race, or class is an inspiration to millions.
I truly feel that I was made to work for your company. As an English Literature major, I am quite adept at moving my eyes back and forth at a rapid pace skimming assignments. This highlights another qualification which you listed in my textbook: laziness and the capacity to do nothing for long stretches of time. I am truly one of the laziest people I know. I am too lazy to ask others, but I am certain they would all say the same. As President of Insomniac’s Inc., I have been known to sit in front of a blank TV screen for hours, simply because I forget to grab the remote control sitting on the other couch.
Thank you for your consideration. I have been applying for years and while I am grateful for the part time work, I am interested in a more full time schedule, perhaps even in your Dreamer position. I am available to interview at your convenience and may be reached under the covers. If it is more convenient for you, I am not opposed to meeting during the day in one of my classes or during any “state of the relationship” address from my mom or girlfriend.