Friday, April 18, 2008
I am feeling fragmented. When I feel fragmented I stop acting. Even having two blogs just conceptually was overwhelming. I couldn't handle it. Whenever I have two of anything I feel torn and depressed. I have two important papers due (10 pages each) soon and I feel more overwhelmed than when I had a 100 page one due. I feel immobilized completely and anxious. I am a best friend kind of person. I could never cheat on anyone or I would self-conbust with the intense duality of it all (if not anything else). I believe Christianity is true in the deepest sense, but honestly, on a practical level it is nice that I can organize and align every desire against my first and greatest desire to abide in Christ. I don't think I'm anal or really obsessed with order or anything like that. In general I am a relatively free and dirty (literally) spirit. I like creativity. I like plurality. Bring on the postmodern heteroglossia, but give me a singular space, a room of my own to think in. Two rooms is too much. Two blogs, a vast desert. I'm graduating soon, and I feel pulled in a million directions. I've divided and divided and divided and divided my time, my obligations, torn between past/future, pictures of myself, coasts of the country, and on.... Spiritually, I've been living on the surface lately, and there is no deep pool in which to imagine all these things floating and suspended in grace and providence. I need you to remind me, because I can't walk around myself and say I'm only in one piece.